Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Expansion and Anxiety

It occurs to me that expansion and anxiety go hand in hand. When I think of a business making a push for expansion I see a picture of the CEO and most of the managment scurrying around taking care of details as their stress levels rise. In the church too, expansion can create anxiety. We've been in our new building for over a year and still haven't sold the old one. Just try and tell me that doesn't create some anxiety for church leaders. Even when we start a new study to expand our thinking there is a bit of anxiety because we know some of our beliefs and concepts may be challenged....or even have to change.

So, I guess it's not shocking that as we are trying to "expand" our house (building a bigger one) I'm a bit anxious. I know, however, that God planted that dream in our hearts during a very challenging time and that He will bring it to fruition according to His plan. I guess most of my anxiety rests in that statement. His plan. For the first time in what I consider the "adult" part of my journey with Christ, God's plan and MY plan just don't seem to be in sync.

I didn't plan to have my husband laid off weeks before having our second child. I also didn't plan for it to take 9 months and most of our nest egg for him to find a new job....that's in Houston. I didn't plan for the appraisal on our house to come in $13,000 lower than the price we had on a contract to sell it. I didn't plan on our construction loan taking FOREVER to process. I didn't plan on having my third child now. At no point did I plan on trying to build a new home with my Smooch while pregnant. I would never have planned it that way. Seriously guys, pray for Easy.

Maybe that's the point. Perhaps I was getting all to comfortable thinking I was in control of my life. Well, let me tell you something. I know better now. God had proven over and over to me that He takes care of His children. Yet, every morning when I get dressed and realize that my waist has expanded, my bust has expanded, my rib cage has expanded, and my tush has yes, expanded, I have to fight. I fight the anxiety that boils up as I try to figure out how I will be a good mother to three children under the age of four, how we will maintain or improve our financial situation given the low appraisal and RISING gas prices, where I will put this precious little one if the house isn't done in time, how will not loose myself and my Smooch in parenting and work and school and all that takes up our life, how, why, where, what, why, why, why

Then I remember. I remember that I am a child of God and I am a friend of God. I'd like to say that the anxiety and questions vanish, but the truth is they show up frequently during the day. The good new is that they stay in my head. They aren't from the heart and they aren't in my heart. In fact, in my very center I feel peace. All that anxiety can't touch the peace that passes understanding. Thank you God for filling me up every day with that peace.

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